Where I’m at now.
I want to apologize. This post is longer than I intended, and only because I’m literally scared to open my diary. I feel like once I do, it’ll just release a world of raw emotion that I left with my last entry, and I’m not ready to relive that. Instead, I’m leaving my life updates on tumblr instead of on paper.
I woke up to jog today and somehow managed to clock in 5 miles at under 9.5 minutes per mile, which I’m extremely proud of. The power in my body and the things its capable of has been blowing my mind lately.
Along those lines, my brother texted me from Oregon today saying “bring running shoes and get in touch when you land” and I could not be more excited to get up there and run with him. (The reason for my trip is a funeral for a friend that died of cancer this past week, so I’m dreading that part. But its a little bit weird because we’ve all known this day was coming and now that he’s gone, its kind of like. ok. well there it is. Plus he’s in a different state so its not 100% real to me yet. It IS crazy to think that he’s not going to be around and in ten years when i (hopefully) have kids, they’ll never have known him except from whatever I tell them of him.) Anyways, the run I’m looking forward to. The burial, not at all.
Plus, its midnight and I’m leaving to the airport at 7:30 tomorrow morning and have yet to pack and prep for the trip.
BUT OH MY GOSH.
That was a dramatic segue, but now that were here, I may as well tell you. Somethings a brewin’ with Jacob. I’m not sure what. But we’ve been talking off and on lately (more off than on if were being honest) and he ended up picking me up Saturday night. And we were both drunk. Or at least I definitely was. I’m assuming he was, but you know what happens when you assume. Anyways, I was being weird. Weird weird weird. And following him A LOT. It was a little pathetic. So on the way home, I didn’t even think I was being rude or anything but he was asking about me being mad and I was just like “yeah I am, but whatever.” And then finally I was like “Vadia? really?” (this is a girl he made out with…on the night of the day we spent at the beach.. did I mention she’s my younger cousin?) So he just laughed and kept asking why I was mad. And I just said “it was a big deal”. Which I realized after sounded like the things he’s done were a big deal but really all this time there was so much going on in my mind and I was talking about him being part of my ultimate decision to go to Pomona instead of SLO so I meant my staying in LA with my parents and driving to a college I dont want to go to in a city Im sick of was a big deal. But I dont think that’s how it sounded. So we got out of the car and he said something about me not understanding and him only going on two dates with the girl and nothing happened and he only did because the family was crazy or something. And I was just like “well its not like were dating anyway so whatever” and walked away.
Or thats how it all went down in my head. But I feel like if there was someone watching these events transpire, they’d have a different story to tell.
So then I texted him about being upset about not watching Tarzan (too lazy to explain that) and he was like but really I need to talk to you, but Im going to bed and will talk to you later.
and that was that.
So we’ve talked since then, but nothing to do with her, or me, or us. So I’m not sure where were at now. But I still want to talk to him and am not sure whether he just drunkenly said that or if he’s waiting for us to see each other again before we talk or didn’t mean it at all and was just saying it so he has another girl to fall all over him. Because he’s totally that guy. And I’m totally the girl to fall for it.
Also, I went to work drunk today (I told you, champagne brunch) and it would have been very fun had it not been BOGO and wayy too busy.
PS: I feel like I need to explain my personality but don’t quite know how. I wasn’t really mad. I don’t get mad, and I wasn’t being bratty, it’s just that I’m not a confrontational person, and Jacob and I don’t have a strong enough relationship that Im even justified in being upset, so saying I’m mad he went out with another girl is a) creepily possessive and b) embarrassing. Plus this whole conversation occurred with both of us kind of laughing, so dont think he’s a douche for laughing when I said I was made he hooked up with that girl.
1. my bunion is KILLING me today. seriously, I have two many body issues to be a runner. (Cause my knee and bunion make two..see what I did there?)
2. I’ve started losing muscle tone since I cancelled my gym pass. I need to incorporate some sort of strength training but don’t know what. To be honest, I haven’t really been looking. Just wishing. And harboring cellulite. Neither of which are acceptable. Any tips?
2b. Jacob Jacob Jacob Jacob Jacob Jacob. but did I already say that?
اللحظة التي تشعر ان عليك اثبات اهميتك لشخص ما هي اللحظة التي عليك فيها الرحيل
The moment you feel like you have to prove your worth to someone is the moment to absolutely and utterly walk away